Why I shoplift

I didn't intend on shoplifting the day I went to the store. It just happened, mostly out of necessity. I mean, why would I shoplift water if it wasn't completely necessary?

Chris is a beer brewer. I don't know or understand all the logistics of this, but I do know that sometimes our shopping list says "6 gallons of beer water." This means 6 jugs of spring water that I have to push around the store. This means a very heavy cart and some careful contemplation when putting the bagged groceries back into the cart.

Heavy carts are one thing. Tired of shopping Isis is another thing. I give her crackers. I give her goldfish. I give her drinks. She just wants to get out of the cart and run like mad down the isles. I have learned to shop very efficiently. If I ever see you in the store and don't say hello, it is because I am on a mission and am trying not to shoplift.

On this particular trip, I had decided to let Isis ride in the back of the cart. It gives her more room and she seems more excited about seeing the store from this perspective. As we approached the checkout I scouted out the lines. Self checkout was the way to go. I began scanning my groceries when the screen read, "please wait for assistance." I waited. And waited. I looked around. "Assistance" was assisting someone else. Finally, he came to me, fixed my problem and I proceeded. I scanned the first gallon of water. Isis began emptying out her diaper bag. I scanned the second gallon. Isis continued emptying her diaper bag. I scanned the third gallon. Isis began to cry. The screen read, "Please scan your item." I scanned it again. It told me again, "please scan your item." I scanned my item. "Please scan your item." I began explaining to the machine, "I did scan my item you stupid piece of...." I looked around. Assistance was again assisting another self checkout sucker. I watched my cart fill up with diapers, clothes, binky's, crackers...there just was not time for this. I put the water in my cart and kept on scannin'.

I went shopping with a friend one time who stole a chain for her sun glasses. When I asked her why she stole it, she said it was because she didn't like the price. Wow. I was amazed at her and for a second, I wished I could be her. How rebellious she was. I too wanted to be like that. How I wished I could just take something that I didn't pay for. Just to pocket one little bag of M&M's just to say that I had done it. But it never happened to me. Not until I became a mom. Not until some incompetent machine was checking me out. Not until necessity forced me to do it. But at least now I can say I did it. I stole that gallon of water. And I am a bad ass.