Tea and Honey (Badgers)

It was around noon today that I was invited by the sweet honey badger to come to her tea party.  Until this day I actually had no idea she even knew how to play tea party.  Apparently an older sister had given her some pretty good instructions because as I sat down I found a purple cup, a purple saucer, and purple utensils all laid out nicely.  I asked her where to sit and she pointed and said, Right there.  Now I have been to only a handful of tea parties in my lifetime.  Some I hosted, others were hosted by Isis.  Never have I been to one hosted by a honey badger and that is what makes it blog-worthy.

Now you may think you know all the rules and etiquette to a proper tea party with little girls. You may picture dresses, necklaces, hats, shoes, dolls, daintiness, and all things pink. You picture girls talking in British accents, pointing their pinkies in the air as they giggle and offer more tea to their dolls and animals.

Now erase all of that and I will explain what happened at this particular party.  That way you will be informed and prepared, should a honey badger, or any two year old, invite you to a party.

At first, you will sit and let her pour you some tea.  You will say it is hot and blow on it.  She will copy you. You will show her how to spoon sugar into her tea and then stir.  You will say cheers and pretend to drink your tea and use a fork to eat your cookie.  A good guest always requests more tea several times because this keeps the hostess busy. 

However after about three rounds of tea, a most unusual thing happens. The hostess will remove her diaper and throw it at you. You will look surprised, but being a good guest, you will throw it back at her and send her into a fit of giggles.  The diaper will return to you once again, and once again, you will launch the pee-filled vessel back at your hostess.  While in some cultures it is considered unacceptable to remove your pants at the table, it is perfectly normal behavior at a two year old tea party.  Please note, it is only acceptable for the child. I suggest all grown ups stayed fully clothed.

After much diaper tossing and laughing, it is customary for the honey badger to throw a plastic teapot at your knuckle.  This will hurt. It will be followed by the throwing of utensils and launching of stuffed animal guests.  At this point it is a good idea for you, the guest, to suggest that perhaps the party is over.  The hostess will then forcefully suggest, No.

She will then climb up onto the bed and bounce while yelling the word naked very excitedly.  Please get on the bed and jump with the half clothed child.  Once again, please keep your attire in full. After about two minutes of jumping it is nice to suggest that perhaps the hostess would like to put on a new diaper.  Again she will suggest, No.

Keep a good time frame in mind because how long can you really trust a toddler without a diaper?  The answer is zero more seconds because as you pick her up, you will see pee dripping down her leg and a small puddle on the floor. This is the exact point where, yes, things can get worse because the honey badger will step in the puddle and will kick the wall thus transferring the pee to its third location in a matter of five seconds.

In conclusion, the perfect way to end a honey badger tea party usually involves a bad word muttered under your breath.  Do not become frustrated with the honey badger.  Remember how nice it was for her to invite you to her party.  Think of all the lessons this provides for future parties... even if you did get hurt, yelled at, and peed on.