Thankful

It was 7:15 a.m. and I had gone straight from bed into a hot bath.  I had woken up freezing cold and with pains in my rib cage and back. Once again I felt defeated...both emotionally and physically.  Five weeks. That gets to be a pretty long time to feel your body hurt and to listen to your kids cry because Mommy can't go to church today because she is still sick.  Then enter Isis into the bathroom to tell me about her night and how she woke up at 5:30 and Daddy woke up at 13:30.  She then opens up the book Mouse Soup and begins reading me a story while I take a bath.  A little while later Eliza wanders into the bathroom and tells me I can play with her mermaid if I want to.  I grab it and she smiles huge then sits down and takes her turn at Mouse Soup.  And in the misery of pain and the randomness of a not so normal Sunday morning, I feel blessed more than ever.

In my last post I claimed to have hit rock bottom.  Well in my mind rock bottom apparently has a soft bottom because I somehow kept on digging.  It's not an easy thing to admit things you aren't proud of.  But I'm human and so are you and sometimes I just think we need to own up to what that means.  Mistakes, blunders, less than proud moments.  I confessed that in my own desperation I had begun to self diagnose this mystery disease.  It's hard when you feel things you have never felt before in your body.  It's a bizarre thing to feel pain penetrating deeper into your body than you ever have before.  I've actually begun to locate certain organs because I can feel them moving, poking, and gurgling.  I awoke one night and after three hours of pain, I tried to explain to Chris that this was something very serious and we needed to start preparing ourselves for the worst.

Two nights earlier Chris had taken the girls to the park.  I laid in our bed in the fetal position for two hours crying and sobbing.  I had convinced myself that my girls were going to grow up without a mother. I had talked myself into feeling fine about dying.  I was less scared of being gone and more scared of the thought that my family was going to get to go through life without me. I was jealous of my husband that he would get to see my girls do all their special activities in life.  I was in pain.  I was depressed.  I had begun to pull away from my family because the thought of being with them was too much. Things were very raw.

But in the midst of all of this, six tests including blood work all came back normal.  A Saturday call from the doctor himself put my mind at ease a little more.  A scheduling receptionist at the doctor's office was pushing me into appointments as soon as she could get openings.  I began to feel relief.  Then emails, text messages, phone calls began pouring in and I realized how many people were praying for me.  I began to feel as if God was telling me to calm the hell down. Calm the hell down Becky, God said from heaven.  That even though this diagnosis probably wasn't going to come in the next day, week, or even month, that the seriousness of the condition was probably less than I thought. All my blood levels were fine.  All major organs were functioning normally and nothing appeared to be attacking them.

Today starts Thanksgiving week.  I admit that in the past I have stopped during to time to think about what I am thankful for.  But sometimes it takes something awful for you to realize how blessed you truly are and as much as the last month has sucked, I am grateful that things have been put in perspective for me.  I am thankful to truly feel thankful.

So here they are in random order...my 2013 list of things that continue to make me feel blessed...

1.  Two daughters who show concern, thoughtfulness, and compassion.
2.  A husband who is my hero.
3.  A mother who still has the ability to make me feel better when I feel bad.
4. Pain killers...yep, I'm not ashamed.
5. Medical staff members who are advocating for me.
6. Friends who continuously offer to help in any way possible.
7.  Friends who are patient with me.
8. A babysitter who loves my girls so I can have dinner with my hero.
9. Cranky children, disobedient children, tired children, sick children, and a child who tells me she wishes her teacher was her mother.
10. Sunshine.
11. Two bouquets of flowers for Mommy because she doesn't feel good.
12. Coffee.
13. Rice bags and heat wraps and hot baths.
14. A sister in law who truly understands physical pain.
15. A first grade teacher who puts life in front of academics.
16. A husband who helps me stretch and rubs my back.
17. Family night out.
18. Energy when I have it.
19. Hats.
20.  Mouths that read, tongues that say naughty words, teeth that fall out, teeth that come in, hands that color, hands that color on Mommy's pants and baby's faces with marker, fingers that assemble puzzles, imaginations.
21. A six year old who quietly closes my door and gets her sister up for the day.
22.  That my kids have a Pop-Pop who plays in the car with them, a Grammy who makes them Shoo-fly pie, and a Grandmom who wears Mickey Mouse ears at the table.
23.  A honey badger who is obsessed with badgers, possums, skunks, weasels, and skeazles (when skunks and weasels mate)
24. A brother whose actions speak louder than the words he never says.
25. People who forgive.
26. Girl's night out.
27. Long distance friends who still seem a part of your everyday life.

The month has been long. The energy has been drained. The tensions have risen. The thoughts have run rampant.  The children have run rampant.  We have treaded water.  And because of this, I feel more thankful than ever.