Things I Did This Week

1.  Yesterday I had the fantastic opportunity of playing charades with Honey Badger.  Before the game started she laid her freshly bathed self out completely flat in the dirt of the driveway.  This was not part of the game.  I'm not exactly sure what it was.  My guess is the long winter had done its damage and this was a child who was grateful for sunshine and earth and had no other idea what to do with herself other than lay as close to nature as her little body could get.  When she was done being organic we played our game.  She acted out scenarios such as cooking kitty and spitting chicken. 

2.  I contemplated the appropriate punishment for the words stupid old woman. Then I contemplated where in the world my children had heard such meanness.  I gathered no conclusion or evidence and therefore blame television. Surely those words were not conjured solely by my own sweet, pure child.

3. I made myself an afternoon snack of bacon and coffee.

4.  I engaged in a lovely conversation with my eldest.  I continue to be amazed at not only her wit, but also her delivery.  It's impeccable.  She may have a future in stand up.  Our conversation ended with the words Well, I'm just gonna put on an ugly turtle neck and eat fondue. Again, I contemplated where these words may have come from.



5.  I draped myself over the kitchen table and begged my husband to massage my butt. You may think he jumped at such an opportunity.  Unfortunately, me draping myself over the table means my body hurts and if you massage my ass cheeks I will  begin the flatulation process which will then ensue for the next several hours and by hour two I will begin to feel relief. He's an incredible man and at this point I have no shame.  The presence of a gluten intolerance and the absence of a thyroid are not a good combination for one's guts.  Last week Isis asked me rather sympathetically, Mommy why are your guts broken? Let me present you with further evidence...

 

Pain Management 101

Objective: Remove Pain

Necessary Tools: Yoga cards, tennis ball, massager, belt

 

 

6.  I explained to my 4 year old why she may not sleep upside down.

 

7. I explained to my 4 year old why she is a crappy liar and if she wants to tell a lie, it should at least be believable.  I sat on the bathroom floor while Eliza went potty before naps.  I pooped, she said.  I reassured her that indeed she did not for I was sitting right there and no poop came out. I told her she can't lie about that because I am presently among her and therefore see what is happening.  I ended by directing her attention to the fact that no poop was in the potty and I knew because I could see it.  She responded with, Mommy I DID poop! I flushed it!  Once again, still here. Let us not tell lies about things that don't matter and focus more on the lies that do.

 



 

8.  I secured a babysitter. Yeah me.  And tonight, I date my husband.